Stay With Me
by RememberingPrivateRae
Summary: Peeta is saved from the Capital and returned to Katniss in District 13. Katniss spends her time reminding Peeta about the love he once felt for her; in the process she comes to terms with her own feelings. The victors of the 74th annual Hunger Games learn to trust one another as Katniss attempts to bring the real Peeta back to the surface and heal the damage the Capital has caused.
1. Speak Only Truth

**A/N: Its been a while since I've written anything so here goes nothing! This Fic relates to parts both in the book as well as a few from the movies. It is important to know that this takes place in the middle-ish of Mockingjay. There will be some intense 'remembering' if you will so that is why the M rating is there. You have been warned. If you have not read all of the books or seen all of the movies there will definitely be some spoilers. **  
** Also, I do not own the Hunger Games or any of its characters this work is specifically for entertainment purposes only.**

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It had been almost a month since Peeta had been rescued from the Capital and I'd seen his face. A month since I'd touched him. A month since Haymitch had to pry his hands from around my neck. A month since a District 13 nurse forcibly sedated Peeta. A month since I, Katniss Everdeen, was the victor who was considered the least mentally stable since escaping from the quarter quell arena.

When I had shot the electrified arrow at the chink in the forcefield I surely thought I was dead, as well as majority of the remaining tributes. Turns out there were a number of those tributes that had teamed up with Haymitch (Peeta and my mentor) and Plutarch Heavensbee (the head gamemaker) to ensure my rescue from the arena. A plan that Peeta nor I had been informed about. A plan that, upon finding out, filled me with so much rage that I lunged at Haymitch with an air-filled syringe. A plan that failed to keep Peeta out of the hands of the Capitol.

When I had heard the news that I would be going back into the arena I broke. I ran into the basement of an uninhabited house within the Victor's Village of my home district. After coming to my senses, I made my way to the home of my mentor. After I downed a significant amount of white liquor, I mustered up the courage to convince him with to save Peeta's life and not mine. When the platform raised me into the domed arena, I was not planning on making it out alive. I however, didn't get a choice in the matter.

Much to my displeasure I had become the figure of a revolution; making me the more valuable of the two of us in the eyes of the rebel leaders. I was the face of this revolution and my face was more marketable to the rebelling districts alive than dead. So, in the chaos of retrieving the tributes they could it was me who was air-lifted into the hovercraft alongside Finnick Odair (a tribute from District 4) and Beetee Latier (a tribute from district 3) instead of Peeta. The Capitol was the one who managed to get him out of the arena before he was crushed to death under the pressure of the debris from the forcefield I had blown to smithereens.

Peeta was the one person I swore to protect in that arena. The one person I would put myself in harms way for. The one I was willing to die for if that meant that he was to become the victor. It seemed like a less complicated task than I was aware of and I would have been successful had my mentor not used me as a pawn in the center of the rebellion without telling either of us. When I finally agreed to actively become the Mockingjay I was rewarded with a new status. Of course, with this new status came new power. This power is how I made a deal with the president of District 13, Alma Coin, to get Peeta back along with the other victors. Johanna Mason and Annie Cresta were left fairly unharmed compared to the damage the Capitol had inflicted on Peeta. The kindhearted Peeta that once has the Capitol hanging on his every word was now more deadly than he'd ever been in the arena.

The Capitol had utilized tracker-jacket venom to 'high-jack' his mind. High-jacking was a form of torture in the early years of Panem when we were still fighting against the Capitol. The venom is known to cause extreme psychedelic-like visions and when used with fear can warp the memories of those being high-jacked. Snow had used the very person I cared for the most and turned him against me through brute force and mental manipulation. Before being taken by the Capitol, Peeta loved me more than I thought anyone ever could. On numerous occasions in both the 74th and 75th games he put himself in danger to protect me. Back home in District 12 he suffered more than any person should if it meant I was happy. A feeling I don't think I've ever really had since I was a child. Sad to think that all his pain was for nothing. Haymitch had very clearly informed me that Peeta was more than I would ever deserve in a hundred lifetimes. He was right and now that boy may never be the Peeta I once knew.

There is no guarantee that he will make it out of this. The scars of the Capitols torture will always remain, even if he does once again become a functional person again. I have no way of knowing if Peeta will ever be able to speak to me without flashing out. The doctors have updated me since the incident with Peeta that ended with me in a neck brace. Telling me that he's improving day by day, but it isn't an easy road. Fear is the most difficult to overcome and the seed of fear Snow had instilled in him about me was planted deep.

The most I'm allowed to do was walk into the corridor that housed his medical room. There were a series of solid metal doors that kept me from seeing him unless I was accompanied by a guard. That didn't stop me from trying though. Tonight, was one of those nights.

Tonight, was the night that Coin is announcing to the people of District 13 that the remaining victors had been saved successfully and without any casualties. I was on my way out my room and into the med bay to see him. On a normal night I would have had to use my hunting stealth to sneak past all of the guards. That is not the case tonight, tonight they are all in the main hall listening to Coin's voice carry through the speakers. I had managed to make it down a few floors when I arrived at my destination. There was a series of three doors that kept me from him. The first was the main medical bay door. The second was the door that lead into his main holding area. The last door was the one that led into the all-white room that housed the person I sought out most. It had been locked with the used of a special key card that I, specifically, did not have access to. I had thought about stealing it, but I knew that would do more harm than good. I'm already walking on thin ice considering I haven't followed my daily schedule since I arrived here. I'm turning into more of a nuisance than a political figure.

While I knew I wouldn't see him face to face there was a viewing window. It was the long and slender. Used mainly for the doctors to observe and scribble on their clipboards if he so much as sneezed. The only thing I liked about this window is that it allowed me to view into his room without him seeing me. This was a good thing considering the fact that we aren't exactly on speaking terms. When I peered through the window what I saw through it crushed me.

At first when I looked in the room I was bombarded by bright lights. The harsh light the incandescent bulbs gave off was almost blinding. It took me a second for my eyes to adjust. Once they did that's when I saw him. He had lost an unnerving amount of weight. His eyes and cheeks were sunken on his face. His skin held a grey hue to it and his normally bright blond hair lacked its luster. This Peeta was not the Peeta I remembered from the games. This Peeta was angry and struggling against the restraints of the bed. His wild eyes held tears of frustration as a trashed about. Repeatedly slamming his body back into the medical bed. The sheer force of him rage bouncing the bed about. The Peeta in that room was not the Peeta who kissed me on the beach in the quarter quell; this Peeta wanted to kill me.

I felt the tears gather in my eyes and the swelling of me throat as I held them back. I'd gladly go back into the Hunger Games if I knew that somehow this would have never happened to him. Maybe Finnick was right when he said that he wished Anne were dead, that we all were. My hand comes up to my mouth to muffle the sobs that threaten to escape me. I thought I could handle seeing him. He's the only thing I think about now that I know Prim and my mom are safe. I even see him in my nightmares. The place where I try and comprehend all of the horrible things that Snow has done to him. I take a step back and turn on my heel to leave. On my way out the door of his cell I bump into Gale.

We make eye contact. I quickly try and wipe the tears from my eyes before he sees. Before I can turn fully and make my way back to my room, I can feel his grip on my elbow. It's not threatening or aggressive. Just enough to get my attention.

"Catnip, what's wrong? Are you ok? Are you hurt? Did he get out?" The urgency in the tail-end of his questions catches my attention and I turn to face him.

"He damaged; not a criminal." I snap in his defense. I yank my elbow from his grip.

"He's deranged, Katniss. He's not the same boy from the arena. He would have killed you had Boggs not knocked him out!" He all but shouts the last statement and I can feel the tears threatening to return.

"You don't think I know that, Gale?!" Now I'm the one shouting. I'm angry and for the first time in months I let it be shown. I can feel the tears rising to the surface but this time I don't stop them. "He's in there because of me! I was the one who made him a target! The berries were my idea! I was the one who openly defied the Capitol, not Peeta! They did that to him because of the actions I took!" I'm screaming but the words are becoming harder to speak. When I say them out loud, they become true. All the thoughts I've kept to myself since this all began are becoming true.

Gale looks taken aback. I've never so much as challenged him and to yell at him is not what he expected. However, I can't find it in myself to care. Gale isn't the same person I thought I knew either; that became more clear in District 2. But then again, neither am I.

Suddenly his expression changes. His face contorts from confusion to frustration, "Katniss, he tried to kill you! He nearly broke your neck." He gestures to the medical room behind us. The only thing visible is Peeta's name and profile on the information panel. The picture of him is from the first time we entered the area. He looks healthy and handsome; not like the boy in this medical bay. At least they were kind enough the let him keep some pride. Seeing his picture mixed with Gales words brings a whole new emotion forward. Regret.

The hurt must of crossed my face because Gale takes me into his arms. He's sturdy and good-looking; many girls back home only talked about being this close to him. Part of me wonders if I'm just ungrateful; if maybe I'm over analyzing this whole situation. At this point in time both seem pretty reasonable.

For a second, I try and let him comfort me. I lean into him. He's warm and still manages to smell like the forest even though we're miles below sea level. The smell alone gives me a false sense of security, but I don't melt into him the way I do Peeta. Gale doesn't give me the same feeling of safety Peeta would when we'd sleep together. He almost reminds me of the marble in the justice building district 2; strong and cold. This isn't what I need right now. Not what I want. I want Peeta to be better. I want the Peeta that held me through my nightmares on the train. The one I shared a kiss with on the beach. He made me feel something that night, something warm. A feeling I've only felt once before in the cave of the first arena. When Peeta and I kissed then. That energy has never been experienced with Gale. He's kissed me a few times. Not once have I felt the same type of rush. Not in the woods or my home in Victor's Village.

I snap out of my mental debate and become aware that Gale is still holding me. Coming back to reality makes me aware that I am uncomfortable in Gale's arms. It doesn't feel quite right. I step back and out of his grip. Without saying a word, I nod a quick thanks and make my way back to my quarters.

Three days had passed since I ran into Gale on my way from seeing Peeta in his 'not a cell'. Gale and I had not spoken since and we merely nodded at each other in acknowledgement when we crossed paths in the bunker that was District 13. For the next day or two that followed I replayed the events over in my head. Analyzing every emotion I felt. I'm pretty sure Gale has too. Normally, when we would disagree or found ourselves in some sort of conflict things returned to normal in a matter of hours. Not this time. Instead of giving me my space it almost felt as if Gale was avoiding me. I hadn't caught him looking over me in the dinning hall. He even sat closer to Coin than he did me in the meetings. I'm beginning to think we both came to some insights that night and neither one of us was ready to talk about them.

I don't have time to think on that though. Tonight is the night of Finnick and Anne's wedding. The wedding was long awaited and the people of District 13 were buzzing with excitement. Everyone in the District had pitched in to help. The change of routine seemed to be something people desired. For a while I had thought I was the only one who didn't like the strict schedules of the bunker. Coin and Plutarch had fought back and forth about what was appropriate for the wedding. Plutarch had wanted something extravagant and flashy. The culture of the Capitol still deep in his heart. Coin insisted they keep it traditional since they were getting married in her District. She may have not said it in those words but you could almost hear the condescending tone in her leveled voice. Finnick and Anne were not to keen on signing a piece of paper and getting assigned a new living quarter. It was Finnick who eventually spoke up and requested that they keep some of their customs from District 4.

In the end of it all, tonight had turned out to be a beautiful night. The handmade decorations and the sound of music was a much-needed mental break from the straight-laced ways of the bunker. A spark of happiness in the stress of a civil uprising. It wasn't until the tail-end of the reception that Haymitch got my attention by tapping me on my shoulder.

"He wants to see you." He states simply; a look of questioning crosses my face, "Peeta. Peeta asked me to get you. He'd like to talk to you."

My full attention is on him now and before I can get a word in he's leading me to the medical room. As we walk, he fills me in on updates surrounding the boy with the bread.

"He's not fully functioning. So, don't get your hopes up." He pauses to gauge my reaction, but I remain straight-faced. "He isn't flying off that handles as much anymore but he still houses some hatred for you. He's improving everyday but there is only so much we can do. He remembers the bread and him asking to see you is a huge step."

"Might be too huge." I monotone.

"We were worried about that too. I'm going to give you an earpiece." He looks over to catch me rolling my eyes. "I won't use it like I do when your out on the field. This is strictly an extra precaution. He's still restrained. He has an IV ready to go if he need to be sedated."

"He probably feels like a mutt." I retort. The after I took a bullet to the abdomen in District 2 were some of the most uncomfortable aside from the overall pain. I'd woken up with wires and tube connected to me and immediately ripped them out. I try not to imagine not being able to move. What is even more upsetting is the idea of ever move is written down and analyzed by a group of scientist who barely understand your situation.

"Well, sorry to tell you this, Sweetheart. Until he can be trusted he practically is."

Before I can come up with a defense we arrive at the med bay. I'm immediately suited with my earpiece and trust into the white room where Peeta lays in his hospital bed. Haymitch wasn't lying when he said he was restrained. His arms both had three individual restraints and two held down his legs. This was not how I wanted to see him. Part of me wanted to believe that he might actually be sitting in a chair without restraints. That won't be the case for a while. Especially with me around.

I walk about a meter from his bed before I stop and cross my arms. I'm uncomfortable and I'm sure he is too. He must push that aside to get straight to the point. He didn't ask me here to play games.

"I remember about giving you that bread, Katniss." His words are spoken calmly but have an edge to them. His fist is clenching and unclenching; something I assume to be a calming mechanism.

"Do you? You saved me that day. Me and my family" I respond to him. "If you hadn't done that I would be dead."

"I thought about that, too. How I could have saved myself a lot of trouble had I just fed it to the pigs like I was supposed to." His words hit me as hard as the bullet in District 2. This time however, I don't have my vest. He maintains eye contact with me; watching my reaction. Haymitch and Gale are right. This isn't the same boy.

I choke back tears in my throat and find my voice, "That's something I think about on a daily basis." The words are true. Truer than anything I've ever spoken. I do think about the life he could have had without me in it. Maybe he would have still been drawn for the games but at least then he wouldn't have been high-jacked and made to suffer at the hands of the Capitol. A suffering he will most likely endure his entire life. This would have never happened had I not been there to start a fire in the rebellion.

He watches me closely, so I continue speaking, trying to keep my voice even, "I never wanted this life for you. I wanted it to be you that was saved from the arena. I was fully prepared to die if it meant you could live."

I watch as the pupils in his eyes dilate and shrink again. Peeta blinks and shakes his head before he begins to speak again. "They told me that. I saw the video of you attacking Haymitch when he told you. Is it because you loved me?" He pauses briefly to think over his words, "They say I loved you."

This was not a conversation I was ready to have but this isn't about me. This is about Peeta. "You did. You loved me so much that you put your life and your happiness before mine more times that I could count." This is so much harder than I thought it would be. I take a breath to steady my voice. "They say the reason the Capitol took you is because they new the only thing within their reach that could break me was you."

"But did you?" He almost demands. The thoughts are rushing past his eyes as he struggles to keep control.

"At first I didn't. At first, I thought it was all for show. For the Capitol. So, I went along with it. It wasn't until later that things started to get . . . different." His questions were as confusing to me as it was for him. Did I love him? Of course, I did. The same way I love Gale and Prim. My thoughts pause as something clicks. There were times where Peeta made me feel different. I found comfort in Peeta the way I've never found comfort in anyone else. A comfort Gale wanted me to find in him even though I never did. Even if I didn't _love_ love Peeta maybe it's what was growing inside me.

A long silence passes as we both mull over my words and string the pieces of our relationship together.

"What about Gale? What about the times you kissed him? If I loved you so much how could I be okay with that?"

"I don't think you were. You never told me directly." He didn't have to tell me; I knew. I saw the hurt when he saw us in the kitchen. When I practically picked Gale over Peeta that day. Peeta was starting to see me for the horrible person I was and that made me angry. I wanted to fire back some defense about it being none of his business what happened between me and Gale. I would have if I didn't know it was a lie and if Haymitch hadn't scolded me for being harsh to him in the beginning. A classic 'treat him how you know he would treat you' lecture on the way here.

"I think it's time for Katniss to leave" Haymitch's voice came over an intercom in the white room. Snapping both of out head around to look at the long viewing window. While we couldn't see him we knew he was there.

"I think he's right." Peeta's eyes were looking down when he spoke. I nodded and without saying a word I exited the room.

While I was removing my earpiece, I stood in front the viewing window. I knew the doctors and Haymitch were all commenting on how well the whole meeting went. I caught bits and parts of their comments. Things like "he didn't fight his restraints" and "no yelling" were among the ones that registered. I couldn't focus on their words though I was too distracted.

Looking into the room I had just left I watched Peeta. He had the bed sheets closed tightly in his fist with his head hung low. Nothing that I didn't expect. What caught my attention was the tears running down his face and dripping onto his shirt. He was hurting and I know its my fault.

I ignore the voices of the doctors as I exit the med bay and head towards my favorite hiding closet. I might not be able to stay now but as he gets better so will I. I'll be back tomorrow and every day after that. Whether I can talk to him or not I will be there waiting and working towards the Peeta I so desperately need and desire.


	2. Answer Me

It wasn't too long after meeting with Peeta that I was called to a formal meeting with Coin and the others about the war. Midway through the meeting the news was given to me. I was told that my job here was done. The propos had been shot, aired, and well received. Instead of going to war with Gale and the others I'd be sitting here in the safety of District 13. I was to keep my face pretty and wait until I could be flown in to the Capitol for the final surrender. I was furious. Irate that I was made out to be a pawn in some on screen show instead of out there killing Snow. I didn't trust Coin to actually give me the pleasure of killing him.

Killing President Snow was the only goal I had other than seeing Peeta get better. Midway through my debate with Boggs about my place in this war I noticed something. In the eyes of these men and women I was nothing but a child. A child who has gotten lucky on more occasions than anyone could count. I was a survivor sure; but not a soldier in war. The soldiers here were teammates and I never worked well with allies. They worked together and trusted one another. Honestly, I didn't trust any of them as far as I could throw them. Not Boggs or Coin and recently, not even Gale. Even in the quarter quell, when my life depended on it, I didn't take well to orders. On many occasions during the shooting of the propos I completely disregarded both Boggs and Haymitch to meet my own goals. They didn't see me as an equal; they saw me as a liability.

In that moment I stopped arguing and turned to Boggs, "Tell me how to get out there. What will it take to get me on the front line?" I spoke leveled and straight forward.

"Complete your training." He stated matter-of-factly. "Complete your training and earn your rank like the rest of the solders here. You have 2 months."

With that information I stood up, nodded to Boggs, and left the conference room. Figured I might as well get the rest of my rebellion out of my system before I actually start following their rules.

For weeks I followed the schedule on my arm almost to a 'T'. The only change I made was to see Peeta. There was a 45-minute gap between the end of training and pre-dinner wash-up where I went to see him. Every day, like clockwork, I'd make my way into the med bay and check on him. Some days all a could do was look through the viewing window. Those days I was only allowed to watch as the doctors performed various test and exercised on him. Other days I was allowed in the room with him. Some of those days he even requested to talk to me. He was getting better everyday even if I couldn't always see it.

With his improvement he had put on a significant amount of weight. He almost back to his normal muscle tone and fit. I think they were letting him run and work out for short amounts of time throughout the day. While it made me feel better to see Peeta looking like himself again it was also nerve racking. If weak Peeta could almost kill there wasn't much stopping healthy Peeta from doing the same. Not that Coin would care. She could easily get by without him or I; probably prefer it in the end.

It was Haymitch who reminded me that even though he's almost back to his normal fit physically, he's getting closer to it mentally too. He's right of course. Peeta hasn't flashed out on me but once. The doctors admitted fault to that one due to their own ignorance. They showed him some of the footage from the first Hunger Games while I sat in a chair next to him. The process had sent him into sensory overload, and he began to thrash against his restraints while he muttered to himself. I was escorted immediately from the room and he was sedated. The whole ordeal was terrifying. It seemed as though he was two different people while he was muttering. As if he had someone inside of him fighting for the Capitol and someone fighting for me. Since that incident things were handled better by the doctors. He hadn't gotten violent once. He was even so trustworthy that his restraints had been limited to 3 and they were only used when I was in the room. His words were still harsh and hurtful but at least he wasn't always trying to put his hands around my throat. We weren't friends necessarily. I could bet that Buttercup and I were better friends. Somehow though, we made it work.

It wasn't until the fourth week of our meetings that I was turned away. The doctors told me that he would be joining us for dinner in the dining hall. They were keeping me away for now so not to overload him again. They were to run a few more cognitive tests before to make sure he was good for a public appearance. I didn't question it. I had a theory that the second I started to that they would keep him here out of spite. I had become somewhat of a bother to some of the doctors.

I started down the hallway to clean-up before dinner. It wasn't until I was standing at the mirror with my hands gripping the edge of the sink that I realized how genuinely nervous I was. Peeta was going to be joining us for dinner. In the open, away from white walls and protected words. Any number of things could set him off tonight. Everyone would be there as usual; Finnick, Annie, Johanna, Prim, and Gale. Any number of tainted memories could resurrect themselves tonight at the drop of a hat. Johanna was infamous for her sharp tongue and lack of couth. She's managed to set off Annie on more than one occasion. A quick comment from her could send him into a blind rage. He's improved tremendously but that was with control. Everything was controlled; from the footage he watched to the words I carefully selected before speaking. In the dinning hall nothing is controlled other than his wrist motion from his cuffs and maybe the guards that were sure to accompany him.

The regulated beep of the alarm in my cabin drew me from my daze and alerted me that it was time for dinner. I looked at myself one more time in the mirror. Here we go. Time to see if the mutt is gone.

At dinner we sat at the same circle table we've sat at for months. Johanna to my left, Gale to my right, followed by Annie and Finnick. Three more chairs remain empty across from me. Just enough for Peeta and his two guards if they come. Prim won't be joining us tonight due to her medical responsibilities. Honestly, I'm glad. I don't want her here if Peeta falls apart.

We're all eating when he walks up. Two guards following at a safe but freeing distance. He looks at me cautiously before setting down his tray. We are directly across from one another. Gale is giving him a look over, probably trying to decide if he needs to protect me from another attack. It's a stunned silence for a minute before Johanna breaks the tension.

"It's about damn time they let you breathe." She states with a chuckle at the end.

"Yea." He says shortly then pauses, "At least, I think it is." Peeta looks across the table at me and our eyes meet. He gaze switches to Gale and then back to me but he says nothing. He just turns back to the grey soup in his bowl.

"They're not together, ya know?" Johanna snorts. "They never were. Whatever lies anyone told you about them too," she gestures to Gale and me with her spoon, "Is a bunch of bullshit."

Shit. Shit. Shit. That's the exact thing I was trying to avoid. Peeta had been the harshest towards me when it came to Gale. I'm starting to panic. I nudge Johanna with my boot and shoot her a look.

"I don't know why all of you are too scared to be straight with him. It's what he's thinking. He needs it straight. If he loses it, he loses it. Right, Peeta?"

Peeta doesn't respond immediately, he's still looking between the two of us. When he does speak his words and short and irritable.

"How do I know? How do I know anything is real or not? You could be covering for her just like the Capitol told me." His grip on the spoon in his hand tightens. Johanna rolls her eyes but before she can get out a witty response Annie chimes in. Sweet Annie who avoids confrontation at all cost. The poor lost soul who suffers with her own scars.

"Ask. That's what I do. I ask Finnick." He voice is soft and soothing. Peeta stops for a minute and lets the words sink in, the grip on the spoon lessens. "If they wanted to hurt me they would have by now. Like the Capitol did. Finnick wasn't the one that threw me in the arena." She pauses to look at him lovingly. The way my mother used to look at my father. "He's the one who saved me after it. He's my home." Finnick smiles brightly and kisses the top of her head. Annie grins softly and returns to her meal.

"Try, Peeta. All you have to do is ask." Finnick tell him with his arm still wrapped protectively around Annie.

Peeta suddenly turns to me. We make eye contact before he speaks. "Your favorite color is green. Real or not real?"

"Real. Yours is orange, like a sunset." He seems taken aback for a second. I can see Gale looking at me out the corner of my eye. He wastes no time before he gets to the questions everyone wants to know.

"We kissed in both games. They were all for the audience." I can feel all eyes on me. Gale's stare is practically burning a hole in the side of my head, but I don't turn to look at him. This isn't about him and I shouldn't be upset if he knows the truth. I have nothing to hide, especially from Peeta.

"Not real. Some of them were more than that." Johanna almost chokes on her soup and explodes into a fit of coughs. This must be to her reaction to Gale snatching his tray and walking towards the exit.

I glance his way momentarily and return my eyes to Peeta's. This is not the time for me to chase after Gale. This is no longer about Gale. He chose his side, just as I have chosen mine. His eyes seem to be dilating rapidly, but not nearly as much as they did when he first saw me. The overall movements are soft now. He takes another shaky bite of his food, contemplating what I've just said.

"Like the beach." I nod, "and in district 4."

Now its my turn to choke. I can feel the chunk of food lodged in my throat as a struggle to get it down or up. I don't care at this point. Johanna bellows next to me and I can see Finnick laughing with his head thrown back. I remember that kiss. It was filed away at the back of my memories, but it happened. At our victory tour in district 4. Peeta and I had a very small glass of some kind of clear liquid that tastes like berries and burned a path down through your chest. That night was hard to genuinely forget.

"I'll take that as a real." Johanna gets out just as I've managed to stop coughing. I nod my hand in agreement. Peeta turns to Finnick, he was there than night.

"I didn't see this kiss your talking about, but I did see the two of you sneak off." Finnick says suggestively, "and I was definitely there to hear Effie complaining to Haymitch about how inappropriate you were being." He's laughing again and I can feel the blood rise to my cheeks. That was one of the few nights I lost myself with Peeta. Peeta who is now looking at me, but this time his features aren't as sharp and harsh. His facial expression is not quite soft, but its close. It almost looks like old Peeta with his normal admiration. That was a memory that the Capitol couldn't have altered. It was too private.

"Then why is it fuzzy but not statically." He looks down, his words are quiet. As though he's trying to figure it out for himself. I finally find my voice.

"We had a drink. Its fuzzy for me too. Almost like a dream." I pause thinking of the best way to phrase what I'm about to say, "The picture is fuzzy, but the feelings are sharp." I see Peeta nodding in agreement softly but continues to eat. I can see his expression change a few times as he attempts to remember the ordeal. To mark it as real.

The rest of the dinner is spent quietly aside from the few deranged giggles coming from Johanna. She's probably still thinking about the whole scene she just witnessed. Making me uncomfortable is one of her favorite pastimes. I can honestly say I was more comfortable when she stripped down in the elevator before the last games.

After some time, Annie and Finnick finish eating and return to their quarters. Johanna shortly follows but not before winking at me and Peeta. Peeta and I are the last to leave the table. I hear his voice behind me at the tray turn in. It's less harsh but still just as ridged. Like its almost painful for him to address me directly.

"Katniss." I set my plate down and turn to him. "Can you come see me again tonight? I need to know. . ." He trails off before he can finish his sentence but he's making eye contact with me and he holds it. I notice that the pupils of his eyes remain the same size.

"Yes, send Haymitch when you're ready." He nods and walks back towards the medical bay.


	3. Varying Degrees of Winter

The tour of Panem had started in the mid-winter months that followed the end of the 74th Annual Hunger Games. Peeta and I were to visit each of the districts to celebrate our victory by rubbing it in the faces of the families belonging to the fallen tributes. Snow wanted everyone to think that it was an honor to stand in front of hundreds of people and pledge our loyalty to the Capitol and its ways. The same governing body that used fear to control its many civilians. Present Snow wanted the districts to believe that we were thankful to the Capitol because we were victors of its games. It wasn't though, it was to show the people that their children are never safe. To show them that they are forever slaves to the Capitol just as the tributes were. There are no victors, just survivors.

Our tour started with the outer districts and worked our way up to the Capitol for the last, and most extravagant party. In the beginning of the tour it was almost bearable. Aside from the tear stained faces of the families who watched us murder their children. Most of the poorer districts offered us a meek gathering with formal dresses and semi warm food. I enjoyed those gatherings more than the extravagant balls the districts closer to the Capitol were throwing. At least the small gatherings in the outer districts were intimate and offered a more realistic vision of what Panem was. Panem was people doing their best to get by and survive; doing their best to make the world they live in more bearable.

The weather this time of year was cold and frigid so most of the events were held in the confines of the justice buildings. The walls of the justice buildings offered shelter from the wind and sleet as well as allowing for the influx of peacekeepers to monitor us. 12 was frigid and mostly unpleasant in the winter. We had cold, fluffy snow and frost that clung to the tips of your eyelashes. It wasn't my favorite season but it was usually the most peaceful. People chose to stay inside instead of bustling about in the streets which usually gave me plenty of time to sneak into the woods without being seen. Didn't do much good now that there was more peacekeepers and rules. Effie had even made an offhanded comment about the sheer number of peacekeepers around. All of us but Effie seemed to understand why there were so many peacekeepers; and, it wasn't because of our personal safety. I was a danger to the Capitol and its crumbling structure. I was the girl whose fire was starting to spread and I was the only one who could smother the flames of rebellion.

While I had become adapted to the cold and dry air of the winter in the northern districts, the southern districts were not as chilled. District 4, however, was different than the others. The weather was warm and sticky. There was almost no need for a coat or sweater. In fact, most of the residents roamed around in short sleeves. I was confused at first, when I opened my wardrobe and found my gown. I could not piece together why Cinna would design a dress for me that lacked sleeves completely. That was until the door of the train opened.

It was like being hit with a warm pillow and being expected to breathe through it. The new air seemed to rush into my lungs and clog my nostrils at the same time. I never felt like I was getting a full breath of air until we made it inside the justice building. Peeta seemed to feel the same because once we made it into the buildings with regulated air, he increased his breathing as to get as much of the clean air as he could. Effie even scrunched he nose in disbelief as we walked toward the stage to give our speeches.

The speech we gave to the families of the fallen victors was just as faked and miserable as all of the other districts. Effie made sure to mention how fallen tributes were brave and how grateful we were to be here at District 4 to celebrate our victory and to honor their short lives.

While the speeches were the same the party was much different. The people of 4 were very much alive tonight, much unlike the way they acted during our practiced speeches. When I was first getting ready to head to the event there was fear that I would stick out in my gown; as I had in some of the other districts. District 4 had a strong outdoor feeling all around. Their homes were made of wood and in some disarray. The people looked like they had spent their whole lives on the water. Their skin tan but red. The hair of one woman so sun-bleached it almost looked white. To think that their gatherings were meek was my own ignorance. Their parties reflected their spirits. People of District 4 went out of their way to show anyone else a good time.

I almost seemed to blend in to my surroundings with my forest green gown. The overall silhouette of the dress was simpler than anything Cinna had put me in before. The bust line was structured, and heart shaped while the bottom of the dress sat in an A-line fashion. The light caught the glitter of the gown as I moved. I was glowing instead of shining. The dress reminded me of the way the moonlight shown through the moss-covered trees of the district. The statement detail of this particular dress was the extreme slit that started at the bottom right of my gown and shot its way up to the uppermost part of the thigh. Thankfully the slit was only visible when I walked too hurriedly.

Peeta matched in his black suit complete with matching metallic green accents. He was always handsome of course. His bright blue eyes and blonde hair made him seem like a god amongst his people. His charm matched his looks in a way that mine never would. I was a cold, dead fish compared to the way Peeta's warmness oozed out of him.

I had started to come to terms with the fact that being stuck with him for the rest of my life wouldn't be so bad. He obviously cared for me even if we were 'just friends' as I so harshly put it. Even with my brutal words Peeta was still doing his best to befriend me again. We started sleeping together on the train again. The nightmares were becoming too much for either of us to combat alone. The whole camera-ready act was starting to become more real in a way. Instead of feeling forced to hold Peeta's hand I embraced it. Being next to him was becoming less and less of chore when I found myself attached to his hip as we mingled with the residents. At one point I even convinced myself that the reason I wanted to be so close to him was because of habit. It wasn't until recently that I began to think differently. I noticed that when we were separated by the flood of people in the districts, I wasn't searching for him out of fear alone. I wanted to see him because in this room filled with people, he was the only one I cared about. The only one I needed to know was going to be on the train back home.

Peeta and I met at the doors of the ballroom. He was beautiful. His eyes softened when he turned to see me. Our team was still making finishing touches when Peeta took my hand and brought it to his lips. I couldn't stop the heat from rising to my cheeks and soon it was spread across my face. This subtle action took me off guard. I wasn't expecting to show any kind of intimacy until the doors opened but this was welcomed more than I expected. When the door opened to the ballroom my mind was still thinking about the soft feel of Peeta's lips against my skin.

We were abruptly greeted with Effie and Haymitch holding two small glasses filled with a sort of clear liquid. The smell of berries and alcohol filled my nasal passages and caused me to crinkle my nose.

"Don't smell it. Drink it. District 4 Tradition, Sweetheart." Haymitch shoved the glass into my hands and the clear liquid sloshed around and almost spilled out and onto the floor.

"What is it?" Peeta asks as he takes the drink from Effie.

"Moonshine. One of the most popular if not strongest liquors in all of Panem." Her Capitol accent seems a little less pointed than normal. "It doesn't nearly taste as strong as it smells. Even better they managed to mimic the taste of the nightlock berries in honor of your love."

Funny, I think as I look over to Peeta to see a smirk across his lips. We locked eyes and brought the moonshine to our lips. The liquid was chilled but on fire at the same time. The sweet taste of the artificial nightlock ran down my throat and into my chest. The sweet seemed to caramelize as the fire of the liquor followed its path shortly after. The flames of the moonshine seemed to knock the air out of my chest as it made my lungs contract. I handed the glass back to Haymitch and let out a cough.

"What the hell?" Peeta coughed roughly, "You didn't say it was rubbing alcohol." Peeta commented as he passed his glass back to Effie.

"Oh dear. I did say it was quite strong." Ignoring Effie's comment, Peeta takes my hand and starts to lead me towards the buffet table in the center of the room. Hopefully in search of some water to put out the flames still burning in my chest.

"Don't disappear for two long. After you're done eating there is one more of these as dessert." Haymitch calls after us swallowing another one of the liquid fire drinks.

Peeta and I walk hand-in-hand to the table and he hands me a glass of chilled sweetened tea. I smile at him to say thank you and take the drink thankfully. The rich drink feels like syrup down my throat. While it may have been overly sweet the dense tea seemed to smother the heat of the moonshine. I follow Peeta close as we wander the length of the table taking taste of as much as we can withstand. By the time we reach the end there is another drink of moonshine waiting for us. An avox holding a tray filled with small glasses stands directly in front of us, waiting for us to pick our poison.

I am thankful this time when the liquor doesn't burn nearly as much as it did with the first. Peeta mentions that this could be because we are starting to feel the effects from the first drink of moonshine. He's right of course, I've noticed that my steps in these heels seem to be even less steady than they normally are. The feeling of temperature on my bare shoulders seems almost muted as well. It isn't until this second drink that I feel my thoughts start to muddle together and my shoulders finally relax.

The rest of the night seems to blur together as Peeta and I take turns dancing with strangers and then with each other. My head currently rest on Peeta's shoulder as we sway to the slow tempo of a brass instrument. One of his hands rest on the small of my back while the other holds my left hand at shoulder height. The feeling of the moonshine still lingers in my body, making my muscles feel light and relaxed. I lean into Peeta's chest and feel his embrace become firmer as he pulls me closer into him. The closeness to him brings the feeling of warmth to my cheeks but I'm too comfortable to care.

I notice its towards the end of the night because the crowd around us is starting to thin out. I'm swaying to the slow music when my ears catch the low voices of two peacekeepers talking.

"Come with me there has been an update to District 10." The taller peacekeeper nudges the other, shorter peacekeeper with his elbow and nods his head in the direction of the hallway to our left.

When I hear the door to the hallway close behind them, I lift my head to meet Peeta's gaze. He gives me a questioning look and then glances around before leaning down to whisper something in my ear.

"If we get caught, Katniss, we could be killed. He won't hesitate if he knows we know too much about what's going on in the other districts." I take in his words slowly and consider what he's saying.

He's not wrong about Snow not hesitating to kill us or capture us if he finds out we know more than he's trying to keep from us but this information could be vital to us. I bring my lips to his ear and feel him become ridged under me.

"It could tell us how we are affecting the other districts. This information could help us get out his control." I can see the reluctance in Peeta's eye when he nods a silent agreement.

I raise my head to survey the crowd to see if anyone is watching us. When I don't notice any lingering eyes, I silently guide Peeta out into the hallway and watch as the party behind us disappears behind the closing door.

The hallway is so dimly lit that the few low lights seem almost pointless. Three doors down from us is a door that is almost closed, leaving a 3-inch gap. This gap shows the light from a projector. The low sound of audio is just barely recognizable. Peeta and I walk slowly as to not make sound. A challenge that is proving to be more difficult with the loud clacking of my heels against the stone flooring. When make it past the second door I press my back against the wall to try and hide in the shadows. Peeta moves his body to hover directly in front of me and then whispers, lowly in my ear.

"I'm going to come closer to you. If we get caught it'll at least look like we were trying to sneak off to be alone." I nod my head and with the courage the moonshine has given me I slip my fingers in the loop of his belt to pull him closer to me.

I can hear his startled and unsteady breaths as he rests his head against my bare shoulder sending waves of hot breaths over my neck. I spend several moments trying to strain my hearing for the report playing in the room over. This proves hard to do over the sound of my own blood rushing due to Peeta's closeness. I can feel him pressed against me and the heat of his body sends a surge through me. This feeling is new. We've been this close before but never in this way. My thoughts muddle as a I try to listen in to the news report. The after effects of the clear liquor are proving to be more annoying than I first thought. I can't make out more than a few words from the meeting. We don't have much of an opportunity to listen because the creaking of the door that leads into the ballroom roars across the hallway. Before I can grasp a coherent though about our escape route Peeta's lips are on mine.

This kiss seems to be charged with our close proximity over the last few moments. I return the kiss without question. The bubbling feeling of something deep inside me if rising to my throat and I can feel myself stifle a moan. This kiss is different from all the other kisses we've shared. This one is more primal there is no sweet nothings or soft unspoken words behind this kiss.

I feel Peetas's hand move down to my waist and tuck itself into the small off my back, he gently pulls me towards him and my mind goes blank when our bodies connect at our cores. I'm not sure if it's the surge of heat pulsating between my legs or the moonshine but I feel my knee hiking itself around Peeta's hip. This time its him that has to stop from moaning. I can feel his breathing increase as he moves down from my lips and traces intense kisses down my jaw and onto my throat.

Peeta has never touched me like this. His motions are always so controlled and protective. Tonight, is much different. Tonight, his hands are speaking the words he is too afraid to say and I have the moonshine to thank for that.

I bring his face too him and kiss him again. This isn't about a cover story anymore; this is just us. The footsteps down the hallway no longer matter and neither does the projection in the room next to us. All I can focus on is the way Peeta feels against me. I feel his hand travel from the spot on my back and inch its way towards the slit in my dress. With my leg being wrapped around his hip it's easy for him to find the bare skin of my thigh. With this new skin to skin contact I can feel the electricity running through his fingertips. The electricity turns into fire when it reaches my skin and sends waves of heat into the deepest of my core.

In a desperate attempt to get relief from the fire brewing between my legs I gently press myself against Peeta. A bolt of energy shoots through me when I feel the hard length of his manhood. He released a low grunt and deepens his kisses. The slit of my dress has been moved to the side and the only barrier is the thin cotton of my underwear against his dress pants. I'm about to repeat my motion when I hear Effie's shrill voice.

"Katniss Everdeen! Peeta Milark! How dare you behave in such a manner!" Before I can fully register the situation, Effie has pulled us apart and is waving a long, manicured finger at us. "You will fix yourself and return to our host in that ballroom immediately. Once you've said goodbye you will retire for the night and get on the train."

Disgruntled she turns on her heel and marches towards the door muttering something about finding an excuse for our absence. Peeta and I follow behind her. We stop at the closed door and turn the face one another.

"I'm sorry." He blurts, his face is red and his tie is crooked.

"Don't be." I say quietly as I fix his tie. I feel my own face heating around my cheeks and neck. I tug on it gently to bring him in for one more sweet kiss. This kiss is long and sweet. When we break I look up at him, a confident smile is plastered across his face. I can still feel myself shake as I turn back toward the ballroom door.

I don't know much about what just happened between the two of us. I don't know what it means or how I truly felt about it but I do know one thing. I don't regret a single spark.


	4. I Must Have a Death Wish

Haymitch didn't come until the next morning. He sat across from me in my quarters and explained that the doctors felt uncomfortable with sending for me after the stress Peeta had been put under at dinner.

"I tell ya the boy was irate. He was so pissed at the doctors that they had to sedate him." Haymitch cracks a smirk at the memory.

My voice is a monotone when I respond to him, "Why didn't you tell me last night?"

"I was instructed not to, Sweetheart." The irony of my pet name still sickens me but its better than being called the Mockingjay, "They knew that the second you'd find out that they denied him your company they'd have to fight you off too."

I let out snort, "They weren't wrong. He's doing better there isn't any reason I shouldn't have been able to visit him. Especially since he asked for me."

"I never said I didn't agree with you, Doll. What I said was is that I wasn't supposed to tell you" Haymitch explains as he gets up to leave.

"Can I see him today? Is that allowed?" I retort sarcastically. I'm not even sure Haymitch can hear me with his back turned but he responds with a chuckle.

"Authority has never stopped you before." With that he continues out my door and down the hall.

He's not wrong though. When it comes down to the people I love I don't let anyone stop me from protecting them. I didn't let Snow do it and I won't let a couple of District 13 doctors in lab coats do it either.

I reach for my boots and get dressed for the day. I fail to get today's schedule printed on my arm but I don't care. I'm not in the mood to be yelled at by my trainer or socialize with people who have no interest in anything other than how much death an attack on the Capitol will cause. How much destruction they can bring to the people of Panem.

I'm sure missing a day of routine will count against me at some point in Coin's evaluation but maybe I'll get lucky. She could want me dead bad enough to send me out onto the field in hopes I'll be shot down. It's not too far of a stretch from imagination. With that in mind I turn off down the hallway towards my favorite hiding spot in the supply closet. It's been some time since I wasted my day in there.

I'm about to turn the corner down the hallway when I hear two guards talking in low voices. I'm not sure if its by instinct or curiosity but I plaster myself against the wall and listen in to their conversation.

"I don't know where the hell he went. You were supposed to be watching him." One of them snarls at the other.

"Look, there are two of us who are supposed to be watching him. Had you not been so caught up flirting with that victor from District 7 we wouldn't have this problem." The second one fires back. A grin sneaks itself onto my face. Of course he was too busy flirting with Johanna, men around here don't see that much fire in a person here and for some reason her harshness is found alluring here.

"I . . . I . . . I wasn't flirting with her. I was helping her find the training center." The first guard stumbled over his words and I can feel my grin grow larger. Johanna knows where the center is. We train there every day. It's here when I put the pieces together. These aren't regular floor guards they have to be Peeta's guards. I recognize the voice of the second one. He's quiet mostly but on occasion he's told me to go away from trying to see Peeta. She must have crossed paths with them and distracted them so Peeta could get away.

It's almost as if my thoughts were echoed when I hear the second guard state, "You dumbass. Johanna Mason is one of the victors who are training to go into combat for the rebellion. She played you. She's supposed to train there daily. She knows where the fucking training center is."

There is a stunned silence before the first guard responds more timidly, "Well what do we do? Do we alert Coin?"

The second guard lets out a loud cackle before returning to their hushed tones, "Have you lost your fucking mind? We're not telling Coin anything until we have too. The boy has handcuffs on so he can't cause too much damage. Well round up a few others and check this floor. He couldn't have gone far without someone seeing him."

The voices stop and there is a pause before footsteps start in my direction. I peel myself off the wall and walk nonchalantly in the direction of the supply closet, towards the guards.

"Miss Everdeen." One guard nods shakily, this one I'm assuming was flirting with Johanna. The other one who's voice I recognized looks at me and rolls his eyes.

"Are you on your way to combat training, Miss Everdeen?" He asks me sharply. Trying to add some more authority to his voice.

"Sure." I deadpan in response. We both know I'm not going to training. With a hair of rebellion, I add, "I'm on my way to meet Johanna there."

The guard who flirted with her is suddenly standing like a statue. That is if a statue could sweat. Without another word they both pass me in a rush. Another knowing smirk graces my face as a walk down the hall to my favorite sanctuary.

When I open the door I walk in and close it slowly as not to alert anyone nearby. I don't want my silence ruined my dumbass guards looking for Peeta. I slowly and gently return the handle to its original position and hear the almost silent click of the door being securely closed. It's almost pitch black and that's comforting. The boxes of school supplies can kill the idea of peace. I press my back to it and slide down to a sitting position.

"I was going to go looking for you after they left but I guess its easier that you came to me."

My breathing stops completely when my eyes adjust to my surroundings. There, in the almost miniscule lighting is Peeta. I can suddenly hear my heart beating in my ears. If he wants to kill me now is his chance. I can't string together a sentence in my panic before Peeta speaks again.

"I didn't think anyone would be in here." He says.

This time I manage to make my voice work, "There normally isn't. I've been hiding here for a while. They stopped looking for me eventually." I pause and question my own words but they slip out anyway, "So if your looking for an opportunity to kill me, this is it."

Peeta laughs. Not an ironic laugh but a genuine one. One I haven't heard in a while. It echoes against the walls and he stops short.

"I like to think I'm past the murderous stage, Katniss." He speaks softly this time. The words are starting to sound more like the boy with the bread everyday. Here in the dark with only the light from the crack under the door, I'm with my Peeta. It almost feels like were back in District 12.

"What stage are you at?" I ask.

"No one has asked me that yet." There is a pause before he gathers his words and continues, "The doctors think I'm still capable. I'm sure they have some long drawn out technical term for it." Another pause passes, "I feel better. Things are becoming easier for me to see the difference."

"That's good." I say and I mean it. Since he's arrived all I've wanted was for him to recover. "How can you tell?" I continue, genuinely curious.

I can hear his breathing in the silence. "The real memories aren't staticky. They are more clear than the fake ones. The fake ones almost seem like they are shaking, and voices are distorted. Like I'm under water or something." I see him look up at me and he locks eyes with me. "The feelings are even harder though because they're so intense. Like right now, I'm scared for my life. I'm terrified, Katniss, but the other part of me wants to touch you."

I can feel my heart racing in my ears. I want to touch him too but I'm just as scared as he is. The Peeta sitting in front of me may resemble the one I once knew but there is no one stopping him from reverting to a mutt but himself.

"I thought you were past wanting to kill me." I say, testing my boundaries more than I know I should.

"I don't want to touch you like that." There is a long pause followed by a sigh he releases. "Something inside of me wants to kiss you. Ever since I remembered the kiss in District 4 its all I can think about. It's all I want. I want to know if it was real. If I really felt like that. If I was ever capable of feeling like that."

"Kiss me." I speak before I think. Shit.

"I want to."

"Then do it." I stopped thinking logically when he told me he was scared. Nothing but adrenaline and the feelings I harbor for him are driving me now. If I die by Peeta's hands it will be a better death than Coin could manipulate. The two star-crossed lovers found in a supply closet, desperate to find one another only for the scars of the past to kill one of them. Yea, that would make a good news broadcast.

I bring myself to a kneeling position and cross the few feet that separate us. I take his hands in mine and I can feel one of us shaking. I can't tell if its me or him, or both. I reach for his cuffs. I'm preparing to slip them off when he speaks.

"Please don't. I like them. They make me feel grounded. What if I hurt you?" Peeta's voice is shaky and he's pulling his hands away from me. I look up at him and our eyes lock.

"You won't. You are past the murder stage. Right?" He stops fighting me and allows me to undo the intricate cuffs. They may not need a key to unlock but they are by no means easy. The cuffs drop to the floor and I take his hands.

"Look, we can stand up. That way I can try and get away if something goes wrong." I speak and Peeta nods. I help him up and there we are, standing in the supply closet of District 13. Peeta is fighting his inner demons and I'm willingly putting myself directly in his line of fire.

"Do I just kiss you?" Peeta ask nervously, his words are coming out soft and uneven.

"You did in District 4." I respond with uneven breaths.

This small encouragement must be all he needed because he closes the space between us. For the first time in a long time Peeta Mellark is kissing me. In the beginning the kiss is ridged but after a moment he relaxes into me. I can feel my arms hanging limply by my sides. I'm unsure what to do with them. I want nothing more than to follow my instinct and use them to embrace him, like we once did. It is possible that my close proximity could send him tumbling over the edge and into another rage, so I don't. I just let Peeta guide me.

One of Peeta's hands slowly and unsurely make their way to the side of my face. I bring mine to his chest with hesitancy. Maybe this is what he wants. We continue to kiss softly. Our movements are slow and testing. His lips meshing against mine with deep, sweet kisses. These kisses mirror the ones on the beach in the arena. The kisses that started the feelings in the pit of my stomach.

The feeling swirling inside of me makes my limbs vibrate with a nervous anticipation and for the first time in my life I feel the need to just let go. To lose myself in Peeta and the darkness of this supply closet. In a moment of bravery, I part my lips a little further with the intent to allow Peeta to lose himself in me. It's as if a switch has been flipped inside of him. I can feel his grip on my hip tighten as he pulls me closer and deepens our kiss.

With confidence Peeta uses his tongue to taste me. He moves his way into my mouth and slides his hand from my hip to the small of my back. The way he did in District 4. Using his hands to guide me closer to him. This is the closest I've ever been to him. Our chests are pressed roughly together, along with our hips. I can feel him length begin to harden more and more as we continue to kiss. I can feel my heart as it begins to beat faster and harder than it ever has before. The adrenaline is like a pounding in my head, making all my senses zone in on the only thing that seems to matter. Peeta. The only sounds I can hear are ours. Carefully I move my arms from their limp position at my sides and move them towards his chest. I give him enough time to stop me if he needs. I don't want this to end.

We continue our now intense kisses. Every few kisses Peeta traces a few down my jaw and neck, giving himself a moment to breathe. For a moment we settle. He rests his head on my shoulder before he separates himself from me and raises his gaze to meet mine.

His eyes are glassy and full of the same desire I've seen before. When he speaks his breath is heavy and words are low, "I feel it, Katniss. I feel it again. It's pushing through". His voice seems to hold onto hope at the end. An emotion I, myself, haven't felt in some time. His feeling of hope sends a shockwave from his hands and into my own cells. With that a smile creeps on my face and I wrap my arms around his neck, bring my lips to his.

A soft moan escapes my lips was I feel him guiding me back towards the door. I'm scared for a minute but only until my back is plastered against the wall and Peeta's lips are on my neck. The next moan I release is louder. Peeta becomes more aroused at the sound of my enjoyment and slowly pushes his hips into mine. This sends a jolt of electricity from my lower core to my heart. If it was possible for it to beat faster it is.

With the hormones racing through my blood I repeat the actions of District 4. I raise my leg to wrap around him. For a moment I am worried, worried that our sudden intimacy may be too much. Worried that the Peeta I am so willingly clinging to will disappear in a flash, but he doesn't. Instead, like before, Peeta brings his hand from the small of my back to my thigh supporting its place around him. My sigh of relief turns into soft moan and Peeta takes this as a sign of welcoming. I'm glad he did because the next motion sends my thoughts into a whirl. He uses his grip on my thigh to bring my hips closer to him as he presses his own into mine.

The raw grinding sensation of our most sensitive spaces collide in a shower of sparks. The cotton fabric of our pants isn't enough to stop the delicious friction from lighting a fire inside of me. The feeling of excitement travels from my core down into the space between my legs and I am no longer in control of my own actions. I can feel slickness begin to pool between my thighs and worry that Peeta can feel it too.

I can't stop myself when feel his name escaping my lips in a breathless moan. This one sound seems to break the spell around us. This is the first time I've spoken his name in a long time and it triggers a realization inside the bounds of him mind. All motion stops and we are frozen in a lover's embrace. His hands are ridged and unmoving and his lips stop their motions on my collar bone. The grip he has on my thigh is so tight I'm sure I'll bruise but I don't dare try to remove it. I don't think either one of us is breathing in this moment. The few seconds that pass seem like an eternity before he speaks.

"Don't move, Katniss. Don't speak. Give me a second. I'm fighting it."

I don't dare to move a muscle or speak. I'm barely breathing as I feel him begin to relax and break himself away from me. He takes a large step back and sits on a crate at the far corner of the room. Everything is silent around us. The air is thick with the smell of hormones and shallow, heated breaths. I am suddenly aware of how cool in is this small closet and I feel a chill run up my spine. Wrapping my arms around myself, I wait allowing him time to speak first.

"I'm ok. I almost lost though," his words are quiet and almost to himself.

"I didn't want you to stop," is all I can seem to get out.

"Neither did I," he pauses. "But I can't hurt you, Katniss. I can't".

It takes me a moment before I realize he's crying. His tears are silent as they leave trails down his cheeks. I slowly move toward him.

"Would you feel better if I put the cuffs back on?" I ask him, unsure of how to handle the situation.

He nods and I move towards him. He raises his head from his hands and holds his arms out to me to fasten the restraints.

"We are going to work past this" I say softly. With the cuffs secured I help Peeta to his feet and slowly wrap my arms around him. He warmly allows me to embrace him. It takes a moment before his tears stop and we are able to plan an excuse as to why we were together. We settle on the fact that he wandered off to find me and that I convinced him it was better for us to be monitored by the doctors. An obvious lie, but not one needs to know how close we were. How close we wanted to be. How close we are to again be the star-crossed lovers of District 12.

This time however our affections won't be used for the people of the Capitol to swoon over. Our touches and words are for us and us alone. This time, maybe, I'll allow myself the luxury of admitting my feelings for the boy with the bread.


	5. Other's Opinions

"Are you sure that's what happened?"

A doctor in a white lab coat looks at the two of us suspiciously, eyes darting back and forth between us as if he'll somehow catch the lie flittering from my ear to Peeta's.

"Yes," I state bluntly, "He came looking for me because you refused to let me see him last night. When he found me, I convinced him it was better for us to see each other here. Where the situation can be monitored."

The doctor makes a quizzical face while she looks at the chart and then wordlessly guides Peeta towards the door to his room. He looks up from his clipboard for a moment to speak to me.

"Be here at your normal time. I have something I would like to discuss with the other physicians as well as with our president."

Without a word of acknowledgment, I leave the medical bay and head towards the elevator. If I had followed my schedule, I would be heading up to ground to hunt with Gale. At this point I no longer have a plan to hide in the supply closet all day so I figure that its best to keep to the end part of my day. I could rationalize it as wanted to please Coin in order to keep my privileges but, I just want to breath in open air.

When I reach the entrance to over-grown freedom I'm surprised to see that Gale is already preparing for our hunting session. In the past few weeks he has been arriving later and later. One evening he was even an hour late. His arrival times seem to be varying lately but his excuse is always the same._ I was in a meeting with Coin._ It is a believable excuse if any. So believable in fact that I wasn't even surprised when the words left his mouth the first time. It was the only thing I expected him to say. There was nothing that would make Gale late for hunting; except, the rebellion.

He's lacing up his boots when I make my way to my station. After our dinner with Peeta things haven't been the same with Gale. Our trips are silent and efficient. Not something I necessarily mind since his temper with me seems to be short. If silence saves me an argument, it's a trade I'm willing to make. Today, however, he speaks.

"So, the rumor going around is that Peeta snuck away from the guards," as he speaks he looks at me out of his peripheral vision. When I don't respond he continues, "another rumor says that he managed to find you. That's not surprising I guess, mutt or not. What is surprising is the fact that you somehow convinced him to go back into the med bay."

I resist the urge to flinch at the word mutt. Gale has always been blunt and harsh towards the Capitol but, never towards people. In the old days of our stolen youth he would complain about the wrongs the Capitol has done to the people of Panem. How our rights and the rights of the innocent have been stolen by the government. I guess those same feelings don't mean much after the Capitol actually gets their hands one someone. Recently, I've noticed that the longer we stay in District 13 he becomes more and more cold.

"He did. Watching the guards panic because they lost Districts 13 most important piece of propaganda was probably the most entertainment I've gotten here." I let an ironic smirk pass my face, but it quickly dissipates. As harsh as it is, it's the truth. Coin only agreed to saving Peeta because he is convincing enough to make someone on the fence jump to one side or the other. That and she knew that there was a better chance of her getting me to fall in line if I knew he was safe. She saw me as too much of a loose cannon when I knew he was being tortured in the hands of Snow's men. "He wouldn't have snuck away had the doctors honored his request." I swear I see Gale roll his eyes before he responds.

"The doctors have their reasons. So do the guards. He could have hurt you or a civilian." His words are steady and level. Almost as though they'd been rehearsed. As if he could possibly change my mind about Peeta with a few well spoken words.

"I'm sure he could have but he didn't."

We finish prepping and grab our gear. The elevator ride to the surface is uneasy and thick with tension. We both stand quietly on the ride up. A few glances pass between us, but they are short and our eyes avert from one another when they meet. It isn't until we reach the forest that we speak again. We are only a few feet deep when Gale can no longer hold his thoughts in and lets out an exasperated sigh.

"He isn't worth it, Katnip. This decision to continue this star-crossed lovers act isn't even needed anymore. You can stop faking it." Does he honestly think that this is all an act? As if I would put others lives in danger to keep up an act for a camera that no longer needs me like it once did. Its not long before the words bubble up from my core and out of my mouth.

"He is worth it, Gale. I'm not acting. None of this has been a desperate attempt to keep the people watching. Entertaining the Capitol and Snow ended the day I shot that arrow into the forcefield."

I'm still walking deeper into the forest when I hear Gale's footsteps fall short of my own. I turn to face him and can see the straight line of his lips. I notice that his grip on his crossbow is so tight that his knuckles have turned white.

"Then what the fuck is it, Katniss," he practically spits venom with every syllable of his words. The brute force of his vulgarity takes me aback. Gale has always been a bit more liberal with his words but never when he's speaking directly to me. "You can't possibly love him, he's not even the same boy anymore. He's a Capitol mutt. When Snow took him . . . "

Suddenly his words make me irate and I cut him off before he can finish his sentence. The venom from his words seeps into my skin and enters my bloodstream. I can feel the heat making my veils hot as my blood begins to boil. When I speak I am all but yelling at him.

"He is not a mutt! He's a person! Someone we used to live in the same district with! We used to trade with his father! Did you really forget all that?! Did you forget that he helped save me in and out of that arena?! Or does none of that matter to you anymore?" I'm seething by the time he responds.

"Oh trust me, Katniss, I remember. I remember he was the son of the baker. He wasn't from the Seam. He never knew struggle like we did. Never had to enter his name multiple times just to stop his family from starving. We didn't even know him. You're acting like he was your life long childhood friend."

"Does that make him any less of a person? Any less worthy of being saved from the Capitol? And your right, Gale, we didn't know him like we know each other. That doesn't mean we can't know him now. I learned who he was when we entered that arena. I knew him even better when we left the arena. We survived together.

"I thought that all people deserved to be saved from the horrors of the Capitol. Or was that just something that was said to make a good propaganda video? Whose side are you on? Are you here for the people or for the revolution?" When I stop Gale is staring at me like a lost cause. Almost sad in some way. Like I'll never see the light of the right way. Maybe I won't but his right and my right are clearly not the same path.

With a sigh he starts to speak, this time his words are softer and steady. His tone makes me feel like a horse who's about to bolt. Like one wrong word and I'll run. That's probably true in all honesty but today I'm not in the mood to run.

"I'm not saying he's not worth saving. I'm saying he's not worth risking the lives of others, especially you. If this is what you want that's fine. I'm just saying that you should be more careful because, whether you like it or not, the Capitol messed with him in ways that we may never understand. He isn't the same boy you kissed on the beach."

I wasn't expecting him to mention our kiss on the beach. I wasn't expecting him to so much as acknowledge it. It was silly of me to feel like that moment was personal. In a way it was but it was still aired live across all Panem.

"I'm aware of what Snow did. The guards and 24/7 surveillance of him is put in place to protect the people. I'm the one he's programed to kill at any minute. I'm also the one that's responsible for my own life. You can worry about me all you want but at the end of the day its my decision to make." I snort at the thought of what would happen if I was killed at the hands of Peeta. I speak out loud, finally voicing my opinions. Right now, I don't care who is listening, too much has been said already.

"Coin would much rather me dead. And at the hands of my true love," I spit the ironic words out, "It would be a propaganda field day. I would be the perfect martyr. She could continue the rebellion without me. I'm not needed anymore, Gale. I've done my job by becoming the Mockingjay. The only thing I'm doing now is getting in her way."

In a moment Gale has closed the distance between us and has his hand coving my mouth. I stop talking and look up at him.

"Don't talk like that. There are people and cameras everywhere. We are not alone." He slowly removes his hand from my mouth.

"Obviously." I state flatly.

"Coin does not want you dead, Katniss. I think it's fair to admit you are a bit hard to control but we all know that. You can be a little headstrong and its difficult for people from here to understand."

"Sure." I mutter. We both that that's a load of shit but I don't say so. I keep silent because at this moment there is nothing more I need to say to him. Nothing that will change either of our minds can be spoken at this moment. We aren't surrounded by the woods of District 12 anymore. We are outside the ruins of District 13. This is a different world that the one we used to hunt in.

One thing Gale is right about is that at this moment there is someone watching, listening, or recording our conversations. We are always monitored and I have no idea when we won't be.

I turn and walk deeper into the woods wandering until I spot a roaming deer. I stop in my tracks and wait. Gale follows my lead and his footsteps come to a halt. Even in our disagreements we are each other's best hunting companions. We've done this long enough to know our ways around the wood. It when things get personal that we seem to lose sight of one another.

Silently, I pull back my bow and aim. I take a deep breath, focusing on the target of my arrow. When I release the arrow shoots through the air and hits its mark through the eyes of the doe. A good clean kill should be easy for Greasy Sae shouldn't have a hard time fixing this one up for dinner. Without a word Gale and I clean the deer.

The evening is filled with the sounds of the animals around us and the soft wind of our breathing. We just hunt, clean, and pack until it's time for us to return to the bunker. Which isn't long considering we spent most of it arguing.

By the time we return our tempers have leveled out, but the tension is still thick. Gale knows that I've chosen my path. What's surprising is that this has always been my choice. I didn't wake up one day and decide to take a different course. My future has always involved Peeta. It may have been for different reasons in the beginning, but he was always there. When I was contemplating running away into the woods, Peeta was going with me. When we were thrown into the arena together, I was going to save Peeta if it meant sacrificing my own life. When I woke up to find that he had been taken from us by the capitol, my first focus was always how to get Peeta back. Now, he's back but not without damage, my goal is to heal with him. He's not the only one with scars that the Capitol has inflicted. If I'm worthy of being saved so is he.

We are all worthy of being saved. Everyone in Panem deserves to be taken from the control of the Capitol and given an opportunity to live a life free of starvation and forced labor. Even those who Snow has manipulated. There should be as little deaths as possible. I accepted the Mockingjay for a revolution and to save those I care about; not to spill innocent blood.

Gale has always harbored a strong resentment for the Capitol and its people. At a time, our dislike for the Capitol was shared. I, however, have learned that its people aren't all bad. People like Effie and my team are not as evil as Snow. They are products of the manipulation he has put them under. They don't know anything else other than the life they've been raised in. They don't deserve the wrath I have, Snow does.

This is as verbal as Gale and I have gotten about the tension between us lately. While it was not specifically stated I chose my path and that path involves Peeta. Gale may not like my choice but we don't have to agree. He was never told or shown that he couldn't be a part of my life because of my decision. He's choosing to march in another direction. If he wishes to follow the orders of Coin blindly that is his decision to make. Just like its mine to have more compassion to those who need it. Things are no longer black and white now that the rebellion has begun.

I'm on my way back to my cabin to clean up before my visit with Peeta before I realize it. Gale and I parted ways silently and uneasily. While my temper is no longer high and agitated the thoughts of the situation are still on my mind.

When all of this started, I thought I knew Gale and had blamed our differences on the rebellion. I was convinced it changed him. The more days that go by and the more I am left to reflect on it, it seems Gale didn't change. He's always had this passion for rebelling against Snow. Always harbored a hatred for those in the Capitol who are raised to do and think that traditions like the Hunger Games are acceptable. Then his words were nothing more than rants in the deep forest outside of District 12. Rants that I never took seriously. Rants I never thought he would act on given the opportunity.

Things have changed though. Now he is just encouraged to speak and act on those words and feelings. They are no longer just empty threats. His judgement on the situation hasn't changed because he hasn't experienced the people of the Capitol like I have. I learned that it wasn't the people I hated it was the idea and culture surrounding Snow. I was going to kill Snow. It was the only way to end the ways of the Capitol, but its people deserved a change to go with the change instead of being assumed to align with their president.

The sad reality is that Gale and I have changed since the games. We might once have been an unbreakable team before I volunteered for Prim. I might have even returned his affections. We could have gotten married and toasted bread in the fireplace of a run-down home in the Seam. That is not what happened though.

I was put into the games. Put into a situation that pushed Peeta and I together. When it started, I was enraged at Peeta for telling what I assumed to only be a lie. Now, after everything I know it isn't. After everything I know now, Peeta is my future. This time I am choosing to pursue that future with him out of my own free will. Not because we messed up the first Hunger Games and needed to continue our cover but because I love him and somewhere in his manipulated brain, I believe he still loves me. I, Katniss Everdeen, love Peeta Mellark and this is my turn to prove it. I am no longer trying to prove it to the cameras but to Peeta himself. It's my turn to show him that this is not longer just for a show but that we really are the Star-crossed Lovers of District 12.


End file.
